


From Now On (Look At Me)

by libaax



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Birthday Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 20:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4934131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libaax/pseuds/libaax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jeonghan confesses, and Joshua takes a while longer to figure things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From Now On (Look At Me)

There’s a knock at the door.

Jeonghan doesn’t know why there’s a knock at the door. He’d made sure to be the last one to use the bathroom, waiting until everyone else had finished up and gone to sleep before quietly slipping into the tiny en-suite that they shared, a wave of relief passing through him at the fact that the day’s activities were finally over.

Beauty rituals haven’t always been Jeonghan’s thing, but lately he’s found solace in utilising the time he has to himself before bed, savouring it as a welcome respite from his otherwise hectic lifestyle.

“One minute,” he shouts, loud enough for the other person to hear but quiet enough that he doesn’t wake up the whole dorm.

He gently places his face cream back on the counter, taking a moment to make sure his hair isn’t tied back too messily. The bright light above him pales his complexion; when Jeonghan concentrates, he can see the purple hue around his eyes, built up over several weeks of getting on average 3 hours’ worth of sleep.

Today was Jeonghan’s birthday, but of course, there’s no time for birthdays when you’re working in the entertainment industry.

Wiping the corners of his mouth self-consciously he pushes away from the sink, tired legs carrying him the short distance towards the exit. Before pulling back the lock he pauses, listening out for any signs of movement that could possibly give away who the mystery knocker is.

Silence.

Reluctantly, he brings up a hand, metal scraping against metal in a tell-tale _scrrrk_ noise, and opens the door up just enough to poke his head outside.

It’s Joshua.

“Hey,” says the other boy, wide eyed as he alternates between looking at Jeonghan and glancing at a point somewhere over his shoulder.

Jeonghan stares back blankly. “Hey.”

The air around them sparks with tense silence for a moment or two, and Jeonghan shuffles to stand closer to the doorframe, grip still firm around the handle.

“…do you need to use the bathroom?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

Joshua takes in a deep breath, finally lowering his gaze to stare at his sock-clad feet.

It’s been a while since they’ve spoken to each other directly. The members had asked him about it a few times, discreet – _did something happen between you and Joshua? You know, the fans are going to start thinking something’s up_ – and Jeonghan had lied to them every single time, deflecting questions with shrugs of his shoulders and murmured _don’t worry about it_ ’s and _it’s under control_ ’s.

It’s not under control – Jeonghan knows this. Has tried to fix it, but ultimately, it’s Joshua who has been the one unwilling to let things go.

“Are you going to spit it out, or what?”

Joshua visibly flinches, right hand squeezing his left forearm in an increasingly tight grip, eyes still determinedly trained on the carpet beneath him.

He doesn’t look like he’s going to say anything soon, so Jeonghan sighs, stepping back from the door in order to close it.

“Wait—“ says Joshua, and Jeonghan stops, biting on the inside of his cheek to keep from having another outburst.

A bold hand reaches out to push against the wood. Jeonghan flounders, half enraged by the audacity Joshua has to be forcing himself into the small room alongside him and half too-shocked to do anything other than slowly back up to accommodate.

When the younger is safely on the other side of the doorframe he turns, pushing the door closed with a determined ‘click’.

“I’m sorry. I have to do this.”

“What do you mean—“ Jeonghan begins to ask, but his words fizzle out somewhere in the back of his throat when Joshua’s eyes finally reach his once more, expression and demeanour hardening with renewed vigour.

“I’m sick of this,” he says, and pushes a hand through his stylised orange bangs, already messed up throughout the course of the day.

Jeonghan wants to ask, _sick of what,_ because Jeonghan knows that he’s done all that he can and he’ll be damned if the understanding, best-friend Joshua he used to know has disappeared altogether, never to return again, but before he can say anything the other boy is pushing him against the sink, burying both hands in the sides of his hair as he presses their lips together clumsily.

The elder startles, teeth clamping down less-than-gently against Joshua’s lower lip, and he pushes against his chest, trying to put as much space between them as possible under the circumstances.

Joshua stumbles backwards, an arm coming up to protect his injured lip.

“What the fuck, Joshua?”

He replies with a groan. The fierce determination from before has been replaced with a deer in headlights expression, and Jeonghan wraps his arms around himself, wary of each movement that the other makes.

“I thought—“ struggles Joshua, “—listen—“

“No,” says Jeonghan firmly, and he’s unconsciously touching his mouth with his fingertips, warmth still disappearing from the kiss they shared just moments ago. “No,” he repeats, “what the hell,” and his eyes are beginning to sting, and everything about this situation is just _wrong_.

“Jeonghan,” says Joshua, meekly, as if he’s just coming back to reality from whatever planet he must have been on to think that forcing himself at Jeonghan would have solved anything.

“What did you do that for? You know—“ starts Jeonghan, before cutting himself off, the unspoken _you know that I like you_ hanging in the air, omitted but obvious. “Just leave,” he finally splutters out. “Please.”

Joshua doesn’t move. He swallows uncomfortably, wiping at what Jeonghan soon realises to be blood coming from his lip, all the while maintaining eye contact with the other. “I’m sorry.”

The elder feels his breath catch in his throat. 

Every bone in his body is urging him to move forwards, speak up, do anything to get Joshua away from him, but it’s Joshua—he’ll always be weak when it comes to Joshua.  Always give the boy more chances than he deserves, and never, ever give up on him, even when eventually he knows it’s only going to lead to pain on his part.

So Jeonghan stays, and Jeonghan listens.

It’s 11:46PM. Jeonghan’s birthday is almost over, and he’s spent the majority of the day being comforted and fawned over by people that he barely knows. He’s been given more presents than he knows what to do with, and received more ‘happy birthdays’ than he has in his entire lifetime thus far, but nothing has been able to lift the weight off his chest that’s been built up over the time that’s passed since the confession.

It was a Wednesday when Jeonghan had first cornered Joshua in the practise room. It took another day to build up the courage to put his emotions into words, and by Thursday evening, Jeonghan had experienced what it was like to have your heart crushed by someone else for the first time.

He stares at the boy in front of him, who’s looking every bit the 17 year old he was when they first met, and, for the umpteenth time this week, Jeonghan is confused.

Joshua is chewing on the inside of his cheek, and any traces of the confidence he’d shown just seconds ago had dissipated into thin air. He inhales, mouth opening and then closing again, the younger seemingly searching for the right words before he begins.

“I—“ he starts, and then seems to rethink himself. He shuffles around, readjusting his stance and inadvertently bringing himself closer to Jeonghan, who wavers, but reluctantly stands his ground. “I came to say I’m sorry. You don’t have to believe me, but – you caught me off guard. What you said, it made me think. About a lot of stuff.” Joshua inhales shakily, hands twisting together in front of him as he not-so-discreetly pauses to gauge Jeonghan’s reaction.

Against his better judgement, Jeonghan remains quiet. His mind is whirring, still struggling to allow Joshua's words to sink in.

He wonders if it’s obvious when he reaches a hand towards the counter behind him, in an effort to ground himself, just how much he’s trembling.

Joshua inhales again, and there’s still tension, but whatever conclusion the younger has managed to draw has caused his features to soften somewhat. His lip is still bleeding, and he looks kind of ridiculous standing there, sweatpants paired with an old, washed-out Adidas polo, hair sticking up in different directions and hands still nervously pulling at each other. Jeonghan’s heart sort of melts, and he’s still mad, but more than anything he’s just exhausted.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say,” continues Joshua, “is that—I realised, afterwards, that I wouldn’t mind it? Trying, with you, that is.”

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow, and Joshua shakes his head hurriedly, struggling to right himself.

“Not that you _said_ anything about, uh, trying anything. I just, you know, _assumed_ —“ he cuts off, hands pausing mid-air from where they’d risen to form gestures, because, well, Jeonghan can’t help himself.  He’s giggling, shaky, awkward noises pushing their way past his lips, and it’s more out of disbelief than anything, but Joshua clearly takes it to mean something else, the corners of his mouth curling up into an entranced sort of grin.

Once Jeonghan’s impromptu laughing fit has died down, the two boys stand in silence, neither of them knowing how to continue.

“You know,” says Jeonghan after a while, steadfastly avoiding the other’s gaze. “I’m still mad.”

“I’m sorry,” says Joshua again, and Jeonghan doesn’t have to look up to know that he’s hurt, can hear it in the way that the reply comes almost within an instant, in the way that his last syllable trails off into a shaky, unsure breath.

He does, though, and the visual affirmation is enough to have him slowly moving forwards, arms opening up to beckon the other into his chest before he even knows what he’s doing, and Joshua follows suit, the pair melting into each other like clichés, Jeonghan burying his nose into the crook of Joshua’s neck and closing his eyes tight.

“So,” says Joshua, words coming out muffled against Jeonghan’s hair. “Does this mean we’re together?”

“Do you like me?” asks Jeonghan, and his response comes in the form of Joshua whacking his back lightly, neglecting to give a verbal reply. Jeonghan tries to pull back, “—no, seriously—“

“Jeonghan,” says Joshua, “shut up.” He brings an arm up to cradle Jeonghan’s face – “yes,” he breathes – and presses their lips together, gentler this time, shoulders sagging with relief when Jeonghan tentatively kisses back.

The moment only lasts for a few seconds, but both boys are reluctant to break apart, choosing instead to lean against each other and revel in the security that comes with it for a little while longer.

Eventually, though, the glaring light from overhead begins to make Jeonghan’s head hurt a little. “Alright,” he says, “that’s enough,” and steps backwards, somewhat regretful, but Jisoo’s beaming face comes into view and that’s enough to send his heart soaring, his own lips curving up into a shy smile.

It’s late, though, and Jeonghan knows that they can’t spend too much time staring into each other’s eyes, tempting though it may be.

He clears his throat, blushing slightly when he feels Joshua’s hand brush his face, pushing back a few stray strands of hair that have made their way out of his ponytail. “So, was that it? Did you need anything else?”

The younger boy purses his lips. He brings a hand up to stroke at his chin, _hmm_ -ing and feigning a thoughtful expression as he ponders Jeonghan’s words.

Jeonghan is on the verge of reprimanding him when Joshua begins to speak, unexpectedly. “Actually, there was one more thing.”

“Huh?” says Jeonghan, resting against the countertop and blinking up at the other. “What is it?”

Joshua grins, catlike, and then takes a step towards him, slowly leaning forwards and putting an arm on either side of Jeonghan’s hips. The elder shifts and he braces himself for another kiss, but at the last second Joshua swerves to the side, head ducking down so that his lips are aligned with Jeonghan’s ear.

“Happy birthday,” says Joshua, and the breath hitting his ear causes an involuntary shiver to run down his spine.

Jeonghan bites the inside of his cheek, trying his hardest to force back the grin threatening to creep across his face.

For the first time since the day began, he agrees.

**Author's Note:**

> also on [tumblr](http://jihoon.tumblr.com/post/130510379186/title-from-now-on-look-at-me-pairing)! (｡･ω･｡)


End file.
